Tis the season for fires and wood cutting for the mornings
and nights have a chill coming upon them. Gone is summer’s heat. As much as I
tried to talk myself out of hoarding some of the kindling and hiding it for
future artworks it is impossible. I cannot seem to stop myself from grabbing a
piece or two if their shape nibbles at my creative spark.
Again today I casually looked over at the bundle of sticks
sticking out of the pot we use for the kindling. A piece of wood with its
curvaceous shape and grain exposed by the missing branch’s leftover hole called
out to me. This had become a habit since we moved to the property.
I jumped out of the chair to grab it and tuck it out of
sight. I could only think of my husband’s constant sighs and comments that the
kindling is supposed to be for starting fires to keep us warm. I giggled in delight at my find and the
freedom from the comments to capture a piece while he is at work. This is a
different type of satisfaction. I’m not disobeying it’s just the call to recreate
is overpowering.
You know there is a warmth to the soul through creativity
that cannot be started by a wood fire--right?
I am content again for the moment.
A few days ago I was finally preparing to work on a mixed
media sculpture. I had been planning that sculpture for more than a year. I have the face finished the next step was to
take all the pieces of wood I lovingly gathered al last winter and actually put
them together for the sculpture. Each piece had been placed in the finished
artwork in my head. It took all last winter to choose the fir, pine and
tamarack cuttings from the firewood we used last year. The pieces came off with
the slam of the axe in such a natural way splitting along the grain. The shape
and form of each piece looked just like sections of hair. This is how I
imagined the finished sculpture. I would
carve sand and polish each one and then piece them together to make the
sculpture.
The last few days have been cold enough for a fire for
winter is upon us once again. My husband found the pieces of wood drying in
their separate box and presumed they were kindling. Since we needed kindling
for the fire and my husband had been working terribly hard for the last few
days, this box full of wood pieces became the fuel for respite for him. Instead
of having to take the time to cut a huge pile of kindling for the week he
bundled those beautiful perfect pieces up and brought them inside for the
firebox. He received much rest from being able to see those bundles and not
have to cut wood for hours.
Unaware that this was happening I of course was enjoying the
fires which kept the house warm as well as distracted by being so near to
making my sculpture. I had not looked closely at the kindling.
It is my great pleasure that my husband normally takes care
of heating the house. I supposed it is one of my failings that I try to endure
the cold until he has time to build a fire. I don’t particularly like making
fires in the wood stove. I only make them when I absolutely have to warm up the
house. It might be our only source of heat but fire makes me a little
uncomfortable. I am sure it has something to do with a fire that happened in
the past. Waiting for my husband to build a fire is the reason I did not know
right away what was happening.
As the week passed it drew closer to having to make more
kindling the huge pile having been depleted.
We were down to the last bundle.
With all of this in your mind imagine there I was enjoying
the heat when out of the corner of my eye I noticed the shape of one of the
pieces of kindling. The shape registered on my brain and I turned and picked it
up. My husband was standing just in front of the wood stove. I quietly said,
“Did you burn all those pieces of wood I saved for my sculpture?” In my mind
the image disappeared for just a few moments and a deep dark well of empty
nothing floated into place. A deep groaning sound escaped from my throat. My poor husband said, “Yes” somewhat
sheepishly and then explained that he realized what he did about half way
through the week but did not know how to tell me. All I could think was, ‘but
then you kept burning the pieces.’ In
fact he continued to load the last piece into the stove as I queried him.
This is where I made a huge mistake. I rarely if ever lose
all of my temper. Sure I get annoyed but it is rare that I get so angry my hair
stands on end. This is what happened. I
birthed a bovine sized retort. I have a wicked way with words when I am that
angry and I threw every barb in my extensive collection. I wanted to give back
the same sized pain. In my heart my excuse’s blossomed into a huge ball of
hurt. In that moment of personal pain I felt disrespected, I felt he was
dishonoring my art. I felt he was not contrite enough for the wrench in my soul
for the loss of the artwork already finished in my head. He knows I feel my
inspiration is from God, so I also imagined he was being disrespectful of God.
The passion I feel when the artwork is developing in my head is one of the
strongest feelings. It is unlike any other emotion. It is a gift from God to
me, precious because only I can see it unfold and then become a part of the
world. To lose that artwork was inexcusable to me for that moment.
I was so enveloped in my self-righteous behavior I did not
even recognize how badly I was behaving towards my husband. When I married him
I promised within my vows to stick with him through sickness and health. That
promise also included this situation. I made these vows under God’s umbrella of
sanction. I started the relationship with my husband with God as my witness.
The promise included the control of my tongue when he did things that seemed
foolish to me. I was so angry I forgot I swore through thick and thin. Instead
I just swore at him.
The intense feelings finally began to dissipate after I
exploded in my husband’s face. Once I get past this behavior I stop talking.
This is an unusual conduct for me this not talking but it can go on for hours
or days. Sometimes with other people it never ends. In fact I warn people when
they comment on how much I talk, that if I stop talking to them there is a
problem that needs dealt with. Usually, I’m willing either way to sort the
problem.
The reason for this silence is twofold. One I have spent my
anger and I am done, I’m worn-out and have to recover. If the anger stems from
intolerable behavior on another’s part I remove myself permanently so not to
explode in the manner I did in this case with my husband. But I cannot set my husband aside. This anger
only comes at the end of long endured foolishness or as I have already
explained--the cutting off of one of my gifts from God. It is such a consuming
anger if I feel it coming on I clamp my mouth shut until I can get control over
the emotion. Obviously in this case I failed. The second reason is a
reflection. Once I get past the angry mien if I have not gotten it under
control, I think about what I have done.
In most cases I remember that these gifts aren’t important to others, these are
my gifts. Since they are gifts within the soul, they aren’t always visible to
another person. I am responsible myself for explaining their value and I should
not assume that another person even my husband, sees these gifts as important.
Artists are blessed with a focused intensity when it comes to this inner passion.
This does not mean that others don’t have this passion in other things. It just
means that we artists are tuned into this creativity in a deep way. If we are
Christian, God leads our artistic bent. This inner ebb and flow can be
forcefully creative but also can cause deep pain if misguided for even anger
comes from this creative passion filled font. We artists pull our thoughts through this
unfiltered channel. This is also why people often excuse our behavior. They
say, “He or she is an artist they are different.” The reality is, it is not so
much, it is just a different way to think and it should not be an excuse to
behave unwisely.
But if I sense the person involved has enjoyed causing the
pain I'm done, other than asking God to help me forgive them. Then I forgiving them and
it is over I will not bring it up again to them. In rare case that does mean I
will not talk to them any further. There is no point in continuing a
relationship with someone who will again and again cause pain for their
unhealthy enjoyment. Once can be understandable but doing it constantly is
their problem not mine and it is time to move on. I cannot fix other people, I
can only fix myself with God’s help. We can’t do this with our mates. We have
to choose to sort out the problem.
In my husband’s case, he did not go out of his way to hurt
me. Once I recovered from my tantrum I saw this. In his mind God blessed him
with respite. He works very hard every day. His work includes a constant stress
on his body and his not having to beat on several pieces of rock hard wood to
get kindling was a few treasurable moments of ease. He deserved them. In the
end he did not even realize they were the pieces I was collecting at first he was too
tired. Even then the tiredness had seeped into his whole body and even once he knew it would upset me, he was to tired to work out the end result. I have claimed that as the most important part of the situation. As I did
this the image of that sculpture returned and glowed in my mind.
After days of contemplating my actions I had several
conversations with my husband over the situation. We have found all the peace
we need on this event. But there was that artwork and it would not disappear. I
kept trying to get it out of my head for the loss of the pieces, for once they
were burned they no more graced the world with their beauty. I wanted to kill
that image and make it disappear.
I prayed with all my heart to find a way to get rid of the
image of that finished sculpture that floated around in my head. For a short
time it had become tied with the imagined slights my husband did not even know
I was harboring. Once I let go and gave the feelings to God I was filled with
an open heart. God saturated my mind with understanding.
I woke up from a deep sleep and as I sat up I realized that God had given
me a gift in that image. It was only for me. It was not to be put out there in
the world for He was blessing me with a special image. Who was that person in
the image? Why, it was God. Will I ever be able to make that image? No. The
material things to make that exact image burned up in our wood stove to heat
and warm us, to take care of our physical needs. The search for each piece to
match the image was a part of the blessing. This is a concept worth noting if
you ponder it for a bit.
Will there be a sculpture like the one that is in my head?
There will be a reflection of the gift, an interpretation, I will produce a
sculptor that honors the gift, but the gift itself is something I will be able
to carry around in my head and my heart forever. It is mine and mine
alone.
My husband in his great wisdom has forgiven me for my anger.
He loves me with all his heart where a great fire of his own resides. He has a
great capacity for forgiveness. When I married him I purposely put myself in a
submissive position to him over most of our lives. I don’t submit my
individuality but I do submit to him as his wife. He is one of several
authorities in my life. The Lord, my husband and my parents in that order, then everyone else. As
such even this material I write gets a read through by him before I go public.
I neither wish to embarrass him or gossip about our lives in an unseemly manner
since I’m beginning to blog about relationship positions and common marriage
practices. He is comfortable with my using our mistakes as an example for he
would not want me to point at someone else and get lofty as if we were perfect
or some such nonsense. (His words.)
I will say that this event very easily could have ended our
marriage if both of us were more interested in our own needs over our mates. My
husband was equally hurt and angered by my initial response to what he
innocently did. We fought over our personal stances with fervor. This is a normal reaction to accusations
couched in self-righteous behavior. In the midst of the misunderstanding the
most important needs for resolution were set aside. Communication was left out
of the situation. Respect was also set aside. Honor was subjugated for my
desire and demand to be right and my husband closed his ears for my loud and
obnoxious anger. We squared ourselves and the verbal boxing match began.
Then there was the fact I dishonored the gift in my head before I knew what it
actually was. The gift was never intended to be in the world. It was intended to sustain me in our unique
situation on the Homefront. God in His infinite wisdom knew I needed something
to focus on that brought positive thoughts throughout the long slowly changing
soon to blessed but fearful journey we found ourselves in last year. He gave me
a healthy distraction that consumed most of my imagination all winter long.
Going from a small home space in our business that no longer
exists, to a tent on our property in ten days does not give you many choices.
We had a box to be house developing through gleaned materials. We would move
into it before we should ever had tried to move into it for a micro storm blew
the tent to smithereens. The box to be house would become our safe haven over
this last winter but it was initially no more than 2” by 4”s and chipboard. God
helped me through those days by giving me something to lay my hope upon. He
used my creative bent to sustain me. He even knew I would not be able to paint
for a time. He knew I would need something special to keep me from dwelling on
my lack of space and materials to do any other artwork as well. It was a
well-timed obsession designed to comfort me through all the changes, there are
no coincidences.
It was also seven months before I could continue to work on
Light Within Cobblestones, the book that has just been published, and get it
finished for publishing. That too was a frustration that God offered the image
as a distraction. It took that long to
get electricity to the property and then with an extension cord a way to bring
it into the house so I could get everything into a word document. I had tried
to do the work at the nearest Library but the one that is nine miles near--was
too noisy. At the time the new grocery store that offers free Wifi had not been
built either. The wait was filled by the inspiration of that image. The hunt
for the pieces was the physical busyness to occupy my time.
God provided the distractions. God provided forgiveness as
well with the dawning understanding that finally came. Ultimately, seeing the
miracles that happen throughout the normal days of our lives is what we should
do.
Most married Christians know that the way of life a
Christian walks does not exempt us from getting irritated or down right angry.
We are not different from any other person even those who are not Christian. We
are human and humans do things contrary to loving, peaceful and respectful
behavior. Learning how to recover from that behavior and using God as a
measuring stick through the path back to those three comportments is a way to
bring forgiveness to a higher level. By having this measuring stick nothing
causes a sound marriage built on these principles to fail. Although at times it
is a great deal of heart adjustment work. A successful marriage couple adjusts
their hearts to accept the bad and the good as it arises and lets God sort out
the mess when it comes.
In our case, we will find a way to laugh about what happened
like all the other hard things that have passed. We will tell silly jokes about
the things that were said like, “I’m glad it was not ingrained in you.” Or
“Your art burns me up.” We use these comments and laughter to confirm to each
other that the bad feelings are indeed gone and we are united in our happiness.
Making fun of the hard things we go through dissipates the negativity. We know
that we have the key to recovery in all things in our marriage. God blessed us
both with funny bones. We also know there will be another event that causes one
or the other of us to be crabby. It will follow the same path. We are not
perfect there is no point in hiding the fact we argue, but the lesson is not in
the argument, it is in the method of repossession of our love.
I suppose the only difference between a Christian and a
non-Christian is we chose to have a higher authority. I don’t know why that is
such an issue for some people. I don't give them guff for being who they are. I like to say, “Hey you wear puce plaid and neon
pink paisley and that’s not eye candy for me but I’ll get over it.” Of course if you knew me you would know I say a lot of other rather colorful stuff as well.
For us this higher authority, God, is is a
blessing. Having God as our
ground-breaker through not only the good times as well as the bad times gives us
a higher responsibility to both the Lord and our God given mate when things
don’t go so well. If you look close enough you will see how our belief is the
miracle. Treasure one another as if you are being watched over and even the
worst possible events can be walked through to a positive end.
The outcome of all this is
the gold.
Cecile
